Insert Amusing Caption In This Place
by stripdancinglemons
Summary: Butler and Foaly are trapped in a small room. what could possibly happen?
1. Chapter 1

**Mwahahaha! I'm back… with a whole new story! Yes, that's right, a new story! And this time, it will hopefully be written with the aid of Catwytch (a brilliant authoress in the middle of writing a great Tamora Pierce fanfic, and a wonderful Artemis fowl one. I'd do an author search if I were you for her, coz what I've read I think is really, really good!). Anyway, this story is about Butler and Foaly, and they are trapped in…. well, I'm not going to tell you now. Otherwise there'd be almost no point in reading it! Is written in parallel to my other story (Place Witty Title Here), and you can read them in any order you like! (oooohh… aaaaaaahhh! Amazing!) Well, I've probably bored you enough with my "amusing chit-chat" so I shall leave the seat of spokesperson, and move over to being author. Cheerio, darlings!**

Butler finally got bored of waiting outside the men's restroom and decided to venture in, in search of his charge. "Master Artemis? You in here?" It was 11:15, for crying out loud. Master shouldn't have taken twenty minutes to go to the lav.

He barely walked two steps into the room when an ominous clanging noise met his ears, sending his soldiers sense into overload. He spun on his heels, knowing what had happened. The door had simply shut. Nothing to worry about. He could just grab the handle, turn it, open the door and get out. If only things were that simple. Butler grabbed the handle. Check. Plans working so far. He then went on too turn the handle… SNAP! The pixie-sized handle broke off the door and lay in his over-sized hand, begging him to distort its perfect shape and wonderful craftsmanship.

Butler merely slid down the wall, blubbing reminiscent of a big girls blouse.

He was ensnared. In the gents. Of the LEP. And Artemis had no idea where he was.

Besides he had to get Artemis home in time for their tea party!

He had baked cupcakes and everything! He had even run a special trip to the dairy to get orange and mango flavoured juice boxes! Artemis's favourite! Though, it was still rather awkward that the LEP had chosen to abduct them for questioning on today of all days. Master Artemis did so love the weekly tea parties.

**A few minutes later…**

_Hmmm… I should probably try calling for help. Why didn't I think of that before?_ He knew why. It's because Master Artemis always was the smart one.

"HHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP! I'M STUCK IN THE GENTS! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

It wasn't until fifteen minutes later that the brains of the LEP security system trotted in: Foaly.

"Righto, what's the problem in here? I got a complaint that there was a glitch in the system and that the first floor toilets were talking in –"

"Foaly, thank god it's you!"

"Well. Who the hell were you expecting, Mary sodding Poppins?" with a swift flick of his tail, Foaly swung the door, and thus the way out, shut.

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"What the hell are you crying about, mud man?"

All Butler needed to do was present his fist to Foaly and show him the little door handle. What's the worst his reaction could be?

Foaly gasped like a girl, and then swore like a sailor. "D'arvit, you bloody stupid, fucking brainless, good for nothing, shit-headed mud man!"

"It's not my fault the handles were so goddamn delicate and not designed for people with larger hands." Sulked Butler.

"Well, that's because the People, unlike you, my hefty friend, have delicate little hands. And these delicate little hands are excellent for our delicate little handles."

"Ah ha ha ha. You're hilarious."

"Why thank-you. I do try ever so hard, just for you. It's great to know my great humour isn't wasted on the likes of yourself."

**Yup, it's short. But I am trying to write longer chapters, honest! And with the help of Catwytch, the chapters WILL be longer. Look for me on under the pen-name of "doomsday fool" please review ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Oo kay… I guess I didn't write as much as I thought I would during the holidays (I've been on them for the last two weeks, and had brilliant plans of writing a chapter every day or so. That just went to the fairies!) But here is the much-awaited second chapter to my new fic! (Yippee! Yay! Oh the excitement!) I've tried to put up my fictionpress name before but for some unknown reason it wont work. Go to www(dot)fictionpress(dot)com, and do a search on doomsdayfool. Tehe… here's a wee message from my partner in crime – I mean, accomplice. Yes…. Here's Catwytch:**

_**Well hello my little pixies, how are we today? Well Catwytch is good. Yes she is. She is feeling good today. She likes candy. Yes she does. Candy candy candy (drifts off) did you no that if you little kiddy winks are naughty the mighty juicebox will not let you drink his tasty descendents. Catwytch thinks that you should all read pinkflamingogirl's fan fic and give her good reviews (nods) yes she does. You can get choc-o-late! Mmmmm choc-o-late. Catwytch like choc-o-late. Yes she does… (Drifts off, but this time she doesn't come back)**_

**Oo kay… yes, thank-you Catwytch! And now, on with the chapter!**

"Why thank-you. I do try ever so hard, just for you. It's great to know my great humour isn't wasted on the likes of yourself."

"Brilliant. I am stuck in here with a goddamn centaur, and delicate handle beseeching my now seemingly whopping hands to disfigure its magnificent shape. Ah well. At least we don't need to worry about needing to go to the toilet, eh, Horse-Boy?"

"Ok, two inconveniences there, my cosmic-proportioned friend. Numero uno: don't you ever, EVER call me 'Horse Boy' again. Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? And number two: what do you mean 'we don't need to worry about going to the toilet'? Haven't you figured out by now that I DON'T USE NORMAL TOILETS?"

"Well, I just assumed that…"

"I'd be able to use the bog like you would?"

"Well, er… yes, actually."

"WELL, YOU'RE WRONG THERE!" Foaly screamed, his eyes bulging out of his head. He then went on to start muttering something about "stupid bloody mud men… goddamn assumptions…."

"Good morning Star Shine, the Earth says 'Hello'"

Foaly's eyes strangely started twitching (really a sight to see – a centaur with a twitchy-eye.) "Oo kaay… I'm just going to go over there," he said, as he gestured towards the furthest away cubical from this crazy mud-man that appeared to be loosing even more of his marbles

"I don't care," said Butler, in an annoyingly sing-songy voice

"…"

"…"

"Hey! What's that?"

"What, oh horsey one?"

"It's a – "

"It's a helmet!"

"Ooh, but it's not just any helmet, my friend of the mud."

"Eh?"

"It's the most beautiful helmet in the entire world."

Now, it was Butler's turn for a twitchy-eye. "Rrrrriiiiggghhttt…. Umm… you feeling ok?"

"Oh, you silly fool. I've never felt better than this in my whole entire life!" Foaly started grinning moronically in the general direction of Butler. It's a pity that Artemis was the brains. Otherwise, Butler would've immediately picked up what was wrong with Foaly. Or right, if you were looking at it from the centaur's point of view at this moment in time.

**A/n: yes, I know it's in the middle of the chapter, but this is how far I was writing it before my Big Dilemma came up. It isn't writers block, or anything like that. I've just, kinda, screwed up the Internet at home. Very long story involving one of my mothers "clever ideas" and me installing something on the computer. If enough people ask about it, I may put the story up at the end of the next chapter. But no I'm going to have to use the school computers! Ewe! Did you know that keyboards are one of the most unhygienic everyday items? They rated worse than PUBLIC TOILETS and those cash machines and bowling balls. So it may be a very, very long time for this story to be written. There's no way I'm using the school computers unless it's absolutely necessary! Anyway, I'm probably boring the pants of you (or completely grossing you out as you may be at a public computer (i.e. shared with many people)) so I'll finish the chapter. Sorry!**

**Actually, I lied. It's not the middle of the chapter, it's the end just now coz I don't quite know how I want to write the next bit (I get the feeling I'll have to ask Catwytch for some help with this)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Right, I'm having another crack at finishing that last chapter, and this time, I have the inspiration of a song called "Farting With your Walkman On" by the Bloodhound Gang. That is seriously the most hilarious song I've ever heard. If you can, you should definitely download it. _You might as well be farting, farting with the Walkman on. I heard you're full of shit so, I've been duped again._ Yay!**

You see, the problem was a simple, yet hilarious dilemma. The helmet that our dearest Foaly had found was a model designed and manufactured in the evil Koboi Laboratories, and had an evil spell placed on it that coincidentally only worked on centaurs. **A/n: hmm… could this have been planted by Koboi herself? Ooh the mystery. In case you're wondering, I don't know if she did yet. If you've read some of my other fanfics, you'd understand that I believe in un-planned writing. It never goes to plan anyway, so why waste the time?**

"So, mademoiselle," (French for miss. Hey, there could be someone out there that doesn't know what it means!) cooed Foaly at the helmet. "Aren't you a saucy little number? I love that colour. It so works for you."

Butler shot the horseman combo a concerned look. "Erm… are you ok?"

The centaur just kept on crooning over his godforsaken helmet, as if there was nothing else in the world.

**A/n: stuck again for a while, so I'll talk to you myself now. Today I am happy. Happy looks like this :) and it is what I am. Today I made a daisy chain after school. Yay daisy chains! Mine was a necklace. I was happyhappyhappy. Daisy chains make me happy, they do. Especially when my friends help me make them. Tehe. Catwytch made a tiara for herself. It was fun. Then I walked to my house and we listened to music. But then my daisy-chain-necklace made my neck really itchy. Aaaaarrrrrggghh! But I fixed the itching by taking it off. I know, clever me! Then I had to make dinner. It was garlic chicken with roast potatoes and onions. I don't like chopping onions. They make my eyes water a lot and makeup runs down my face that I didn't even know was there ; . ;**

**Ok, I haven't written anything for a while, but I do have a very good reason: I had exams for the last few days, and had to study for a few long weeks. But I will start updating soon… I hope! Sorry if I don't… I'm just shite with things like this.**

**Right, got an idea at lunch today, so please bear with me. Inspired by Catwytch :)**

"I think I shall make good use of that Emergency Flask of Tea I always carry around with me. Would you like a wee cuppa tea, Foaly?"

"Two," he said. "One for me, and one for my little darling." He added, to try and clear up Butler's confusion.

All that did was send our poor simple minded-friend into a deeper state of confusion and disorder.

_I think I shall add some vodka to mine. Lots of vodka. Tehe._

As Butler prepared the tea, Foaly found… a way to entertain himself and his helmet friend.

**Meanwhile, at Koboi Labs…**

"Miss Koboi, ma'am?"

"What is it, you scum of the earth?"

"Erm, I was just wondering if, er, ah…"

"SPIT IT OUT, YOU GODDAMN NEANDERTHAL!"

"Did you plant an enchanted helmet in the LEP men's toilets one the first floor?"

O,o "that's all you had to say?"

x x "yes…?"

"Oooh, get it on the big screen, then. I want to see it!"

_**Back to our more interesting subjects, Butler and Foaly.**_

Butler turned around, halfway through taking a delicate sip of tea, upon hearing strange slurpy kissey noises.

Foaly was kissing the helmet.

Butler chocked on his drink, sending streams of tea running down his nose.

Foaly, it seemed, was in love. With the helmet.

**Ok, I know it's short (again) but I finally feel that I have finished this chapter. This is part two of chapter two.**

**Comment replies to:**

**Setos-fangirl91: yes, I know. Never, ever use a public keyboard that has been used by someone other than yourself and possibly a few hygienic family members. This is why I have banned my sister from using the computer.**

**Cappuccino and a book: yay for laughing in class! I hope school soap dispensers are clean too… just think of how much hand scrubbing would have to happen if they weren't!**

**Nota Lone: thank you.**

**The Thirteenth Councillor: thank you. It took me ages to come up with something better than the old one that wasn't already taken.**

**Lugian-Holly Before Swine: sorry about the length… school holidays are coming up in about a month, and that means that I'll have waay too much spare time for a few weeks, then trapped at my dad's house with his darling family, then back home and too much spare time. Yay! Anyway, I do try to make them longer. I spent ages seeing how long I could make this one, but then the idea was too short. Die, damn short ideas, die! **

**To anyone else reading, I'll try not to write so many author notes during future chapters… I just kept on getting really bad block in this one, and derr sometimes writing senseless crap as myself helps. But it didn't really this time. Derr.**


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